I’m sure to those of you who’ve followed this little Tumblr of mine must have seen the phrase “This is my last tumbl” once or twice, and sure I’ve somehow bounced back from the edge (mostly due to outside interference from close friends) but this time I mean it.
Throughout this past year I’ve endured a bucketload of things that only people in bad romance novels tend to see: A good friend faking their own death just to get a way from me because of a petty argument, dating an ex-girlfriend, finding out she had slept with someone else during own time apart, then rejecting the entire relationship we’ve built together just three months after rekindlement, performing oral sex on another man just out of curiousity then vomiting an hour later, having my dreams crushed one by one until I can barely stand to think of trying something new without seeing so many things wrong with the idea myself, I could go on with this list for hours but that’s not why I’m writing this…
To be honest I wanted to go down this list name by name so everyone got their own personal message but since everyone is going to be reading this I might as well get to the point of why I’m planning to “Jump” this time:
For the last month and a half I’ve had to litterally drag myself out of bed just to get my day going, after which I’d spend it either vegged out in front of the tv or right here at the comp all while arguing with my brothers about where the heck my money’s going to and why. Somedays it would be different: My brothers wouldn’t be here to argue, or I’d just be too drained to try, others, a friend I haven’t spoken to in ages would pop up online and we’d shoot the shit. Of course I’d lie about how upset I was at my life and just chalk it up to a streak of rotten luck and grin like the damn chesire cat. And while they apologized and wish me better fortunes while I sat here and cried, and occasionally clawed at myself in frustration, always enough to hurt but never enough to leave a mark..just in case dear old dad decided to pop in.
Of course there’s always someone I just CAN’T bring myself to talk to no matter how bad the chips are dowm, my ex Diana gets thrown in this category. She was until some time ago the one woman I was serious about settling down with, I wanted to leave Arizona and ride to California because that’s how much she meant to me. I’d be leaving comfortible surroundings, family, and certain agencies who’re knowledgable about my physical about my physical condition just to spend my life with her. I had even started to pile a nestegg for a proper engagement ring so I had something to give her the night I propose to her. But after learning the things I learned and hearing her say that she can accept everything BUT a ring from me killed that dream as well as whatever feelings I had for her in an instant…
I can take a college creative writing course giving me a C as a sign that I can never be a novelist.
I could even take the idea of being a video game tester as not economically viable (especially in our damn economy)
But hearing that from someone I’ve loved for almost five years, someone I’d take a damn bullet for, someone I had called my soul mate more then once..that just tore me to shreds and left me the emotional husk that is typing this as we speak.
That’s why I’m going to jump this time because it hurts too much to live in a world where everything has some semblence, some reminder of her no matter where I look or where I go…
To anyone I know who’s reading this..forgive me for being so weak.